Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.

Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.

I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.

I like donuts.

Twitter:

I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.

I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps

“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.

The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.

Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.

Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.

If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.

I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.

“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.

Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand

Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?

me: which suit should I wear

her: I like both

[later]

her: how did the interview go

me: he asked why I wear two suits

Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.

Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?

Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?

When they ask “how was your weekend?” answer “better than yours” & maintain eye contact

I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.

[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water

[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?

A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.

The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.

Please be the blood from a horse’s head

Please be the blood from a horse’s head

Please be the blo…

Nope, just peed the bed again

Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors

“you look easy to draw”

Instead of “Take Your Child To Work Day” there should be a “Take Your Therapist To Work Day” so they can see exactly what you’ve been talking about

Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.

My cooking anxiety: I got this!

ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]

WIFE: you could just-

ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn