Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess

A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.

It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.

I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby

When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster

Similar to how tennis has different surfaces, swimming should have different liquids i. e. 50m chowder, 100m Greek yoghurt, relay spf 50 sun block

putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere

motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.

Ok team, today we’re …..oh

Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.

I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.

“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”

Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.

I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.

Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.

Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row

Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.

Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?

Yea. Me nether.

At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.

so u have kids?

yes a bunch of them

that’s great, any hobbies?

I don’t understand the question

i want enemies

Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.

[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?

me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no

Getting closure is important.

*lies on bed to zip up jeans*

Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.

Broom by every window for quick escape.

Me: *stressed

My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?

Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.

Sorry I just read your text from 12 years ago. Are you guys still at Blockbuster?

Me: Did you use the elevator?

Friend: I took the stairs.

Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?

Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh

Them: Go big or go home

Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice

Me: NO!

Him: What? I haven’t even said anything

Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to