Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Finally!

Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”

Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.

If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam

“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers

I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.

To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory

Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free

*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!

My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.

I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.

interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate

me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?

interviewer: wrong popeyes

me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?

The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.

#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”

when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans

If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.

If my kids made a Lego Movie song

Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream

Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”

My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”

After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.

Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.

It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.

The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm

My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’

He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.

My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.

I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.

Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now

ME: alexa, make it quieter

*music gets way too quiet*

ME: alexa, make it louder

*music gets super loud*

ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter

ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?

ME: jesus christ

ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts

“Paper beats rock, Charles!”

I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.

It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them

My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.

Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.