Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *eating ribs*

Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*

Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.

Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.

Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god

Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?

If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.

Sir!!

I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.

I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.

– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.

*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable

When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.

I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.

My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now

Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron

Shift.

I meant SHIFT!

Oh god.

wife: what r u doing

me: shredding my birth certificate

wife: why

me: *starts disappearing* it’s working

[on an interview]

Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*

Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*

Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit

I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”

I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.

You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.

I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂

[Screams into a dark wishing well]

“I want my coins back!”

If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.

Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary

“$400 for movers? No, I can rent a truck and do it myself for $40”

– Me yesterday

I regret everything….

*beach*

Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!

Me: I guess that makes you a liar.

Lifeguard: Excuse me?!

Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”

Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets

I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”

If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife

[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think