I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
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Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
True?
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?