I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
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Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
Social distancing in Australia:
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
Right now somebody’s therapist is hearing about YOU
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.