I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
You Might Also Like
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
me: my friends:
I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.