I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
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Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
It doesn’t really matter who wins today as long as both candidates tried their best and had fun.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat