Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.

Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.

Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.

date: I wrote a book on lions

me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?

One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?

8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*

8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:27am: *takes a shower*

9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*

9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*

I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.

Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?

I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.

It’s completely absurd that Silicon Valley is pushing AI on us before they figured out how to keep fries fresh during takeout and delivery.

VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions

They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.

I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.

I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.

Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.

I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.

You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.

Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.

humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out

Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.

“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team

Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*

[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?

Me: *backs out of driveway*

Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.

Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.

I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car

Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.

Me: why don’t I have a gf

Him: have you tried asking someone

Me: no

Him: like her. Ask her.

Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf

Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.

You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids