I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
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My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
Receptionist at the Dentist: What’s your availability six months from now?
Me: I don’t know my availability SIX MINUTES from now!
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”