I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
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If you know, you know
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
Blocking someone isn’t enough; I want them to step in water with their socks on.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
Watching my husband try to get off the phone with “talkers”is like watching a fly trapped in our house, desperately trying to escape but repeatedly bumping into a closed window.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
With the right amount of pressure I can make my forehead look like a brain – could be useful
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields