I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
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Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
this is funnier than any friends episode
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.