Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.

I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.

Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)

*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror*

*returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3

If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?

Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.

A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick

My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand

Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?

I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.

what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.

{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.

{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??

FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are

this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:

All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.

If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.

hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep

I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.

I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.

My little toaster: *catches on fire*

Me: Coward.

m&m’s call their smallest pack the “fun size”. Sorry, that’s not fun. A 3 lb bag would be a lot more fun

There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park

Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility

that they were seeing Space Jam.

[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.

[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME

If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago

What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon

Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar

“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.

The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time

No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.

*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*