I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
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washing mushrooms is the quickest way to figure out exactly how much dirt you’re okay with eating
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
Knowing WHY you’re crying is for amateurs
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok