Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer

about to have the best blueberries of my life

Happy Friday

Him: Will you marry me?

Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?

[speed dating]

Her: THIS IS NICE

Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO

Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?

Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED

He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly

It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.

[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”

🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶

My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.

Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.

If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.

[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]

Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert

Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.

me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out

[45 mins later]

camera man: should we see other stuff now?

me: *out of breath* no

911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’

Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’

911: *click

Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.

Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes

I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings

pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic

pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now

I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first

Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France

Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?

7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten

It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.

Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*

If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.

i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict

My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.

My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.

Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?