I started cooking dinner, and my 7yo paused in her playing, gave me a hard side eye, and opened the window in anticipation of smoke. That burn is worse than anything I could do to the food, y’all.
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Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*