Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle

I bumped into a cute guy today.

I clawed his face off.

I should work on my people skills.

My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.

Me: I have an imaginary gf.

Therapist: U can do better than that.

M: I know, it’s just–

T: I was talking to her.

Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.

Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.

Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.

Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.

Boss: you’re late

Me: I know, and I’ve decided to keep it. See you in court

Boss: I hate you

It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.

-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.

I really need a sledgehammer for perfectly harmless reasons.

Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?

Her: no

Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?

Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??

I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.

Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!

*looks at wife, wife shakes her head

Me: I’m not allowed

*kicks dirt

#ProTip

Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”

Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”

Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”

My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.

Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.

An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.

9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)

Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.

9: You were alive back then?

Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.

Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog

You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.

If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.

Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.

A letter home from Burning Man:

“My Dearest Martha:

I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”

sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth

[Genetics Lab]

Me: One designer baby, please

Doctor: It’s not like that, you..

Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions

Doctor: What? No, you can’t…

Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers

Doctor:

Me: I’m gonna call her Claire

[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this

Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.