Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.

Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*

My organs: We strike at dawn.

[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?

Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…

when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.

now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks

I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco

Doug is just Canadian for dog

Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue

I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.

people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house

i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit

me: I Love You!!

oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.

my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…

[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]

Me: what is this

Climate: change

LUKE: any weekend plans?

OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga

LUKE: omg I have to warn him

My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too

Me: This is the worst day of my life.

Her: Really?

Me: *pulls out a spreadsheet ranking every day of my life so far to prove it*

Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.

Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician

Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period

Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.

I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now

My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.

For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.

No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living

me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?

her: sure!

[later]

her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be

me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean

All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.

her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting

me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?

her: adderall