I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
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Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
“The Perfect Relationship”
Food delivery driver here, time is money so no need to stand behind your front door for a few minutes pretending that you’ve not just been staring out your window looking for us for the last 20 minutes and yes we saw your curtains twitching
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
WestJet now charges $25 to book a flight by phone. But it’s way more if you want to book a flight by plane.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
next level snooze
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
This dude got his own movie?
Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm
Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go
Kid: why do I have to do that?
Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies
Kid:
Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust
Saturday
