I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
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-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Me: “Dear God…just leave me here. Bury me right here, or charter a crane to lift me home. I can’t move. My pants. Sweet Angel of Merciful Death, I am ready.”
*Pies are brought to the table.*
Me: “We have Cool Whip or something to go with this orrr…?”
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
Our lord and savoury.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht