Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GF: I’m breaking up with you

Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why

It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.

*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?

Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.

Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…

Me: exactly

Teller:…

Me: Can I still have a lollipop?

I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.

Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”

[taking out my Diva Cup]

Dracula: you gonna drink that?

Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.

found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs

Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.

So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.

Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.

👀

[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.

watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome

So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.

I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.

*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*

You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.

The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants

Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.

eye doctor: please read the top line

me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad

eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading

If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting

[my first day as a bank teller]

guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal

me: i’ll need to see some ID sir

guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID

me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?

guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery

me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?

A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.

Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.

My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:

Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat

Mom says she’s watching a video about dating fossils.

I wonder if that’s how she met Dad?

ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.

[Commercial for narrators]

Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS

If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.

I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”