Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.

my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,

me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start

[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-

My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.

me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?

wife: you deserve this

me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?

wife: we’ll find out

Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.

Me)Print

Printer)No

Me)Print

Printer)No

Me)PRINT

Printer)No

Me)PRINT!!!

Printer)Here’s 8,000

There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.

lmao

me: you look thinner

friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh

me: meat

friend: what

me: what

How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?

[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]

My cat: lol no

my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination

“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.

When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.

Computer: [down]

Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket

I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.

doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day

Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”

Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”

My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁

Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.

Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.

Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?

Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.

Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.

P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.

Me: Is that a beret?

P: Oui.

I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.

SPLOOT

Me: what’s the deal with airplane food

Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise

Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.

My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”

I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!

Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.