Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze

Me: please put your pants back on

Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.

I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.

3yo (confidently): But Mommy, people do not eat cows.
Me: Uh, bud, we do. Hamburgers are made of cow.
3yo (uncertain laughter): Mommy, that is funny for pretend. But I mean for REAL.
Me: Yes, for real!
3yo (w/ scorn) No.
Me: What do you think burgers are made of?
3yo: People?

😶

I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.

me: can i be frank for a sec

boss: sure

frank: thank you

YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.

ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.

him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?

me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose

him: that’s not what I asked

me: that is the information I have

“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”

– inventor of the bagpipe

All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.

I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.

facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site

“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs

there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories

Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?

Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?

Dog: Shut up, Carl

Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?

Me: Shut up, Carl

I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.

the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now

Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second

That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?

I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,

When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.

[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal

It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.

“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”

Exactly

“What?”

It’s inflation

“I hate you”

Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct

Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.

Take care of yourself, ladies

[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey

EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.