I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
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When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
My boss called in sick of me
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
Remember the first day of school when you’d show up with your pencil case, your rucksack and your Flash Speed Mop?