I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
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They have creatures Noah didn’t bring into his ark. It’s a no
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.