I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
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”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
(Arrives at Topgolf bay for date night)
Wife: have you registered here before?
Matrix: idk, put my email in.
(“Osama bin Golfin” pops up on the screen)
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
Swedish for common sense.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
surfer priest: so, like, jesus & his bros were at dinner one night & he stood up & said, “the one who doesn’t order the fish tacos is gonna, like, totally betray me,” & his bros were all, like, “no waaay, we wouldn’t do that,” & judas was, like, “i’m sooo sick of fish tacos.”
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.