I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
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[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
When something says it needs 2 minutes in the microwave but 40 minutes in the oven it does make you think a little bit about wtf is going down in the microwave
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
That de-escalated quickly
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO