I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
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TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
If I die my ghost better come back and do some laundry so I have some clean sheets to wear
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
The world needs a more violent way to give people clothing. ~the inventor or the t-shirt gun
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.