I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
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Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
No one comes off looking worse than the third party who was asked to interfere in a couple fight.
see next tweet for some translations
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.