Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.

Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.

When texting a woman while she is mad and you see them 3 dots for like 5 minutes then they just disappear….. start running

Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!

December 2023 our house was burgled and the children’s Christmas presents were stolen. Burglar was caught on our Ring doorbell and I happened to know where he lived. Instead of calling the cops, I burgled the Christmas presents back from him.

There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.

Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.

Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.

I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.

Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.

And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”

I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery

Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.

luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker

Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??

Starbucks employee:

Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?

My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’

9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool

me: one big skeleton please

clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s

me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please

How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?

cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners

Wait for it…

This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.

First date:

*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*

Her: So, what do you do for a liv-

*bites her in half*

Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?

Client: sadly no. Just you.

Me:

Client: I didn’t mean it like that!

My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.

ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.

4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge

I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.

*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*

6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops

I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .