I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
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Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
friend: i really need your advice
me finishing a bottle of wine while stalking all the girls my ex follows on IG: yes of course, you’ve come to the right person
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
I’ve never completed a marathon, but I’ve listened to my mom tell a story, so don’t talk to me about endurance.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.