I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
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I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
my boss: here’s your raise
me: thanks
my landlord: he was talking to me