I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
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Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
I am on my second week of biweekly pay so today I will be showing you how to make a quesadilla out of paper towels
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Nothing like standing up after sitting for 15 minutes to turn my swagger into stagger
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!