Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear

🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen

– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably

No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting

[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that

i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad

HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives

ME: Glad to be here, Mort

Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.

Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.

When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me

People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.

Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.

It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?

I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.

“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior

Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird

Me: Me? Weird??

Husband: PLEASE

[ Later ]

Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour

Important question of the day:

Are centaurs technically insects?

They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…

Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.

“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”

* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math

i’m trying to quit making sexual innuendos but it’s so hard

There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.

Genie: for your first wish?

Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.

Genie: done, and for your second?

Me: you can go I’m good.

All of the good tweets are either married or gay.

Final Destination ruined two of my favorite things. Rollercoasters and sharing the road with log hauling trucks.

Good morning.

If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??

Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.

“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”

A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.

-tweeted from my hospital bed

Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!

My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.