Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine being reincarnated as grass?

Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.

Sorry I said you and your husband look related.

Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.

Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”

Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.

Dietest Coke

Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.

Sometimes I wish I spoke seagull. There’s a bunch of them on the roof & one of them has clearly cracked the joke of the year because the rest are all laughing their heads off

I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.

At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.

ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like

People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.

You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.

imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do

[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.

[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.

When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?

Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.

How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?

“Sir, this is a liquor store.”

“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.

If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.

Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah

2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY

For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.

my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?

me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town

*brings donuts to work*

Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.

Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.

Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.