Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”

What if all the cashiers are married?

Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*

All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.

I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.

Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.

I love cheese!

Cheese: I have a boyfriend

I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.

Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.

Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.

the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something

How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.

Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.

Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.

*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*

Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!

Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.

[rooster sits down in barber chair]

Give me a cockadoodledo

Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.

Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad

[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]

Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches

He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.

Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…

and he says, “prolly.”

911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.

Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.

* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.

Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?

Dentist: The music?

Me: No. The drill.

Dentist:

detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene

crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers

Me: *dressed as a dragon*

Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy

Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya

Me: *giggling* No, you hang up

Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls

Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”

Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something

CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na