I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
You Might Also Like
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
I remember when things only cost an arm.
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Our lord and savoury.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.