I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
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According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks