Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.

My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.

Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..

At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.

Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?

Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last

God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.

My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”

………. she’s my 3rd kid.

I made some fish tacos last night.

the ingrates just ignored them and swam away

Kid: Trick or treat?

Me: How old are you?

Kid:

His dad: 4 years old

Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall

Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*

I bet the guy who invented pants wasn’t even wearing any pants when he invented them.

I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.

Anakin: I built my droid from scratch

Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life

Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol

[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”

2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience

2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone

*walks into the funeral home*

*climbs into a coffin*

I’m ready when you are

Me: objection your honour!

Judge : sustained

Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife

I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.

We all have family for that..

ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser

In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this

Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.

Really bad spell of wether.

me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol

teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked

My cousin started a group chat and I’m about 3 real questions away from them kicking me out.

After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.

Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.

Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs

Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?

boss: what are u doing

me: *pretends to read email*

boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”

“Is this the fifth one?”

– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish