I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
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Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
TV doctor: You need to eat colourful foods for their vitamins and antioxidant properties
Me, eating a bowl of Skittles: *high fives myself
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
Oh no, a login from a new device? And that device is my phone? My one and only phone that I and I alone use to log in several times every single day? And the geographical location is my *house*, you say? Thank you so much for warning me I will contact interpol
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
I need to know the brand of toothbrush my neighbor has. I hear it buzzing sometimes an hour at a time and she’s clearly enjoying it
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
applying for a new job
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.