I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
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I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
#MeanwhileinCanada
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus