to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
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It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
Check out the legs on this baby
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.