@CruisinSoozan
@dumbbeezie
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
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@dumbbeezie
@_youhadonejob1
Real should get that sign fixed.
@serialmatrix
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.nGod: killed his only son.nAnd that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
@thedadvocate01
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
@A_New_Chapter_
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
@hobo_hands
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
@matt___nelson
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
@tsm560
When someone hasn’t tweeted in a while I always wonder if they’re okay… as if being on here is a sign of mental and emotional stability
@ankles_so_weak
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
@BlairLoudly
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.