@CruisinSoozan

I started taking Metamucil today in case you’re looking for a regular hero.

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@BuckyIsotope

GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points

@mrjohndarby

horse: these pants fit me perfectly

sales clerk: very good sir

horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs

sales clerk: *discretely* of course

@Crunch11b

I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.

@HairyJew4Life

Today I saw a sign for a suicide helpline on the back of a bus. Wouldn’t it be a lot more helpful if it was on the front?

@humanaaron

Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.

Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*

@michaelianblack

Guy at Dairy Queen was yelling at everybody because they didn’t have waffle cones but they had PICTURES of waffle cones. That guy was me.

@One_FineMess

I don’t understand why New Years Eve is such a big deal.

I get drunk and tell myself lies all the time. Who needs a special day for that?

@ryangriffiths

My dad says that if I don’t stop typing so loudly, he’s gonna slam my face into the fidbdiUHy6hivIifHfGK

@50FirstTates

witch: what do u need?

me: a spell to make my dad proud

dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable

@gobmentcheese

When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”