I started taking Metamucil today in case you’re looking for a regular hero.

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Friend: I’m getting married

Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?


God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.nGod: killed his only son.nAnd that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.


Me: I lost twelve followers today.

Wife: On Twitter?

Me: In the woods.

Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!


I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….

Maybe just one…


Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.


[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*


When someone hasn’t tweeted in a while I always wonder if they’re okay… as if being on here is a sign of mental and emotional stability


I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.