I started the day with a migraine, and I ended it by watching the debate. One of those was the most painful 90 minutes of my day. The other was a migraine.
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Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.