I started the day with a migraine, and I ended it by watching the debate. One of those was the most painful 90 minutes of my day. The other was a migraine.
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[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
I translated it for you because it’s just the funniest dialog
🤝
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
There are three stages in a woman’s life.
1. Pampers
2. Always
3. Depends
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
Asked my coworker what’s wrong & he said “I’m tired of faking that I like you guys” & honestly? Mood.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus