Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.

Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.

Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.

Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?

Guys when life is tough and you feel nothing is going your way, remember, things could always be worse. You could have to take a shit at a music festival.

4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS

-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?

If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?

STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?

TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.

ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!

“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.

(Not even slightly sorry)

my facial care routine has some really good, expensive products that my dog licks off right after

😭😭😭

Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.

Yard reviews

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”

PREACHER: any prayer requests?

3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread

Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.

BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star

My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.

If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats

4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.

i installed a ceiling fan in my room

the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers

I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.

fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it

When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.

Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire

I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar

Not to brag, but I just walked upstairs and remembered why

Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.