Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.

I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!

[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong

boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time

When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…

Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter

Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?

I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.

when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway

Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar

I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.

Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.

Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list

The more you know

If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.

*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*

Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.

crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat

Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.

You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.

Wife: *asks question*

Me: *gives answer*

Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…

if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me

For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me

{Thomas Edison prank call}

Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*

Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.

Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.

same energy

🌱🌱🌱

Me: So tired

Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…

M: Please don’t

B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?

rest in peace, 2023.

2023-2023

I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.