I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
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ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
Only sending condolence cards when someone dies is not enough. We need a range of cards that enable us to sympathise with people about smaller things too
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
As someone who was born in August, I find the word leotard extremely offensive.