Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?

mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”

[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.

The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.

Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.

can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week

[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”

You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.

Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.

🙂🐾

Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.

STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it

Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?

Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?

Friend: No.

Me: Then, no.

you could not pay me to delete this app

agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin

Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.

When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?

You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that

There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires

ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.

DAUGHTER: Chad.

ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.

Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.

Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean

Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.

Me: But I have work tomorrow.

Brain: I don’t care-

*alarm goes off*

-okay you can sleep.

My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.

KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices

Me: Does that include salt and pepper?

KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices

My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!

have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car

does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?

Tomb = Toom

Womb = Woom

Bomb = Boom

beware of dog
(jukin media)