I started to call my friend “bro” but decided mid-word to switch to “dude” so it came out as “boo” and there’s just no recovering from that
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I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
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ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”