Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful

Me: They are going to pay for saying that

When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.

Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.

ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?

NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not

ME: I’m getting to that

I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.

Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.

Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?

Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.

A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars

Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.

My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…

“Hold my rice cake”

If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.

Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate

Over the summer, I went to the very North of the Isle of Lewis on a field trip to map the geology there with a close friend of mine. The google street view car went past. We had a geological hammer. The following masterpiece, now on google street view, was the result

He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…

It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard

A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding

I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.

I have information that will lead to the arrest of Moo Deng

Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?

Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.

If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.

*points to Spanx*

Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink

The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.

He’s got some nerve.

I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha

EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters

“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”

me at the job i begged god for

1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.

My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..

The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.

Do emojis hide????

I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?

(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)

Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.

Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.

Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.