I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
You Might Also Like
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
The possibility of monsters residing underneath your bed is negated when the mattress is positioned on the floor.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Bobby pin
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
Whenever my “advanced placement” tween gets too brain cocky I like to remind her that I’ve had to pull a jellybean out of her nostril not once, not twice, but 3 times
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
Whenever I get up my cat gets up too and then yells at me like it’s my fault she decided we have to do this together