I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
My daughter met another toddler at the playground and my kid was like “What’s your name? Wow, that’s a beautiful name. Look at how strong you are! I love your shoes!”
And it took me a second to realize she was copying what I do when I meet a baby 😂
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
I’m currently on a really effective diet called “I only have twenty dollars until payday”.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
mfs be saying “feb” cause they can’t spell februawary
