I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
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Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.