I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
You Might Also Like
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.