I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
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it was love at first sight
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
Yup.
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
Krampus.
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
In banana years, I am bread.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
Livid.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE