Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)

ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college grads

REQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.

If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.

LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?

CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.

[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it

The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild

Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itself

Cons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.

I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.

*jazz hands*

Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.

Do you believe in aliens ?

If so , do they have genitals?

HER: i love mythology

ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too

This has to be a scam text but what’s the end goal here?

Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot

Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance

Boss: It’s broken and does nothing

Me: shit

If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer

It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school

Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?

Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*

Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.

Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!

*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes

WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker

SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon

If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.

When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:

-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?

5: How come we never do anything fun?

Me: We went to an amusement park..

5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago

Me: It was yesterday

Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?

I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat

You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.

Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation

*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else

I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.

Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?

Me: I think we should see other people.