I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
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My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights