I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
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i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
it’s finally my moment to shine
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
Me, thinking about the time the cashier said, “Come back soon,” and I said, “You too.”
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
do you know how lucky we are that skunks are generally reasonable
“this too shall pass” okay but like… when exactly
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*