Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday

That burrito didn’t agree with me.

And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”

I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.

I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.

my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call

Modded the new Gran Turismo

The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.

UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please

I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz

If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.

Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal

Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.

Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon

Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?

Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ

Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?

Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.

Wife: You need a shower
Me: The pressure’s too low
Wife: OK, have a shower or I’m taking the kids

Co-worker: How are you today?

Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*

one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]

when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans

[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.

If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.

I know this now.

Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”

According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.

[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?

Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.

<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.

Me: Where are the kids?

Wife: Mom’s

Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

W: Almost certainly not

[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!

Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.

Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?

This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.