Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.

Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?

“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”

[Yelp Customer Review]

Bill’s Wild West Saloon

Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars

“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries

HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?

ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend

HIM: what?

ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low

HIM: what did you say?

ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂

*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD

Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*

Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist

when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement

my date last night:

– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his ex

dating is fun, you guys

#katesdates

Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email

playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”

Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.

8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening

Me: you will inherit everything I own

In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.

Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat

Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]

Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.

Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]

Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit

“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”

HOWLING VOID: [howling]

my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad

My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?

ME: I played Wordle today

SON: great

ME: Do you know what Wordle is?

SON: no

ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters

SON: great

ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?

SON: no

I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship

I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.

Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”

10yo: “A phone what?”

Are these grass-fed oranges?

I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”

A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.

Women have all the answers to all your questions.

And you don’t even have to ask.

5: im so bored

me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen

5: im not very bored though