Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[alien parasite invasion]

ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host

I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.

If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.

How’s your Saturday going?

I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.

her: i’m leaving u

me: is it bc i fish for compliments

her: yes

me: or bc i’m the worst person ever

#dalle2

If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too

*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs

“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”

(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang

My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.

I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.

Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.

“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear

Batman: what’s your power

Superman: *removes glasses*

Batman: woah where’d the nerd go

I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.

Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.

Twitter: Yes you can.

My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”

I am so proud.

Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.

cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi

On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.

My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.

My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”

a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions

Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit

The manual for my motorized wheelchair says “Do not operate while tired. ” I haven’t moved in six years.

My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.

WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down

ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*

BEE *depressed* holy shit

You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…

….vocabulary.