I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
You Might Also Like
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
the three genders
