Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie

Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.

date: I wrote a book on lions

me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?

You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’

A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good

Trick or treaters are coming to my house asking for candy but I’m giving them something even better: a lecture on the importance of voting

[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.

If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.

parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide

I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks

I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.

Bro what is this

Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’

Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.

A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings

My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating

i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or

St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.

Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza. 
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.

“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”

Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself

I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.

We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas

I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.

Resteraunts call themselves gastropubs and eateries so they don’t have to spell restarunt.

When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:

Him: Where were you, I was worried!

Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.

Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!

ME: Sorry……dad?

Ffs 🤦‍♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again

adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to

I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.

“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”

*hangs up*

me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak

Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”