Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?

you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?

My age is news to me every single time I remember

If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.

Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.

God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*

(flirting) sooo how do you feel about girls who are brooding, intense, and inherently off-putting in all social situations

I’ve just been cleaning the kitchen and decided to shake out all the crumbs from the toaster that had missed the crumb tray. When I tried to replace the tray there was something stopping it going back. A little digging with a knife revealed the desiccated rear half of a mouse

ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David

what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion

“Are you on Facebook?”

“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)

Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.

IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice

ME: I really don’t know what you want from me

You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa

OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!

“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “

Mirror, mirror on the wall like, wtf is your problem? Why do you keep staring at me?

[first day working in a restaurant]

me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*

cat: *reads sign*

me: oh no

Friends are people you don’t need to explain your jokes to, family are people you apologise to for your jokes.

I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.

wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600

My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.

The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!

Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.

I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.

that’s me in the corner, that’s me using Microsoft Word, losing my revision

Society: Dance like no ones watching.

Also society: Records it for everyone to see.

Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.

Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.

Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.

Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?