I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
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The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
the last time how i met your mother was on netflix i binge watched it instead of going to class and almost got kicked out of college. its dangerous! beware!
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
bro my son keeps saying “in the 80s we used to…”
dude was born in 2018.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
Me, as a cicada: Guys we all have to stop talking at the same time.
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts