I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
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[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
Boss I didn’t win Powerball please ignore previous text. I WILL be in today & everybody should NOT get fucked
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
“Can you explain the gap in your resume?”
“Sure are you familiar with not getting jobs?”
I look at how fast my boys are growing and sometimes feel sad at the thought of them moving out some day. Which immediately turns into anxiety as I think “but what if they never move out?”
76% of pardoned turkeys end up back in the system
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.