Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help

The Conjuring 3:

Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.

The kids torment them back.

They’re better at it.

The spirits flee.

This is a bad idea on so many levels.

If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.

I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”

Thinking about stepping down from being an adult, I’m just not in the right headspace for this position right now.
I really appreciate the opportunity though.

ill check the nooks. you get the crannies.

i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either

The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.

When your best mate counts as a desk too

*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs

Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.

Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card

Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.

No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.

Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.

Single worst piece of software ever invented

[High school reunion]

Person: “I don’t remember you.”

Me: *starts crying*

Person: “Now I remember you.”

[at a dive bar]

Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.

Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.

[visit to zoo]

See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.

What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?

[restaurant]

can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?

-how bout just one whole pizza instead?

oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza

Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.

My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.

So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.

Happy weekend !

My mother’s maiden name is Password.

You should be able to google why a couple broke up

doctor: how often do you exercise

me: does sex count

doctor: yes

me: twice a day

doctor: with other living ppl?

me: why would you specify living

doctor: just answer

me: no I don’t exercise

Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”

Me: “So how does that make you feel?”

I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.

It’s literally my first instinct.