I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
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It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
Bike for sale
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
If giants aren’t real then explain the 12 foot skeletons at Home Depot
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase