Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink

WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it

*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*

PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor

ME: I took a bus tour of the the city today.

WIFE: Oh really. How did it go?

ME: The driver turned the ignition and pressed down on the gas.

HER: Get out.

me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand

[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”

There’s lots of fish in the sea

“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”

The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.

If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you

Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?

PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc

DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*

A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name

LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied

The kindergarten people are so short

-my kid, after one day of being a first grader

I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”

Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.

I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.

Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo

Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?

When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.

And by “younger” I mean yesterday.

my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault

When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.

I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that

“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”

“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”

Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*

Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE

Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again

There’s a woman at the bar who is cheering the debate at unpredictable intervals and I was completely unable to figure out her politics until we realized she’s playing bingo

rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no

ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!

COP: Where were you the night of murder?

Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day

Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.