Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
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My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.